Dodgeball Battle: Heeb vs. The Onion

Below is the documentary of the game between the nationalistic Heebsters versus the universalistic Onions. It was a friendly game. One satirical periodical against another. And we did win one out of three. So the Zionists should shut up with any shtetl comments. It was just a game. A friendly game.

But alas, as Eric Alterman might note, “Nothing is simple when it comes to the Jews.�

First of all, as you can see in the documentary, like my fellow teammates, I played aggressively. And yes, The Onion is a general magazine, and attracts a general readership, suggesting an acceptance of Heeb, a Jewish magazine, in the publishing world. But I reject all suggestions that our participation in dodgeball was somehow an expression of “whiteness.â€? And while I would not claim the experience was an extension of “historical oppression,â€? well, it was not exactly a proof of Jewish inclusion of “white privilegeâ€? either. And no, the fact that I “played aggressively,” has nothing to do with this point. I am just bragging.

The otherwise friendly tournament was marred by an unfortunate incident. Seth was distracted by an unclaimed penny on the court. I don’t want to point fingers or accuse. But the fact is, because of rotation, this loose penny was noticed after The Onion had been on the pennied side of the court; it was not noticed the first time we were there. But The Onion denied any intentional placement of the penny, and I suppose all suspicions of insensitivity and shrewdly calculated manipulation of Jewish propensity towards wealth building are speculative, and best not mentioned. Still, it was an unfortunate incident. If Jewish teams are to maximize their dodgeball experience, referees must inspect the court prior to each and every game, in order to avoid Jewish distraction from loose change which inevitably occurs from all the running and jumping.

So here it is. Again, we won one out of three. If there had been bookies for this match, this would have been considered a win in terms of betting.