Letter to Charedi Family and Friends

I would like to clarify that my issue is not with people who are pious or striving for that. I have, as my brother recently reminded me, Charedi cousins whom I adore. Chassidic, no less.

They are not BTs, but came over after the war, on my one side of the family who came last to the U.S, but decades even after my grandmother. Most of my ancestry, while religious, was devoid of Charedi or proto-Charedi influence. This was contrary to the massive lie told to me and all Jews who attend Ohr Somayach by rabbis that it (Charedism) is our legacy, but eventually, when I checked and deciphered a few remaining but important signs and signals from generations before, most had none — but 1/8th apparently did. My grandmother’s elder sister and two of her children were killed in Europe because her husband made a promise to his father on his deathbed not to go to “the treifa medina.”

Anyway — my cousins are really special, but their outlook is hardly unheard of. They don’t seek to make others live like they do. They certainly never sought for me to live like they do. They just wanted me to be Orthodox, and to be happy being so.

This is no small point, and their perspectives are shockingly different than those who condemn the non-Charedi world and non-Charedi Orthodox Judaisms, and who preach a profound contempt for Modern Orthodoxy.

Anyway, I relayed a story to my Chassidic cousin of how a Bostoner Chassidic couple trashed my brother to his face for going to college (and all those who go to college) instead of yeshiva. I was stunned when he proceeded to denounce Boston in its entirety as a “cult.”

My point is that there are many Charedim who not only don’t demand Charedism of others, but if they feel people they love are being attacked for not being more like them, which is to say, Charedi, some of them become genuinely angry, and even hurt, in empathy and solidarity, at those who drive others meshugeh and excoriate them over their needs and choices, such as a college education, even though they personally would never promote such a thing to their own children.

It is not my intention to deny that there are wonderful people in the Charedi world, or claim that they are all intolerant. Nor is it my claim that I haven’t personally benefited from knowing them in my own life. I most certainly have; tremendously, in fact, and hope to continue doing so. If any of you are reading my posts, please note that I am not attacking your way of life, nor am I attacking you. And for the record, I completely acknowledge that I have never witnessed the same level of kindness, warmth, and genuine search for spirituality and being a good Jew in Modern Orthodox circles.

I do hope you understand that I recognize that the issues and institutions I am criticizing have nothing to do with how you see family, how you see other Jews, and how you treat people generally. I realize that you would prefer that I leave what is in the past in the past, but I don’t feel I can do so. For although I make no claims that my motivations are solely l’shaim shemayim, I also have a legitimate concern that those types of institutions who wreak havoc on peoples lives continue to grow stronger, larger, and bolder, enabled by both the secular Jewish community and the Modern Orthodox community. I ask that you understand my issue is not the spread of Torah Judaism, but the spread of misery and poverty, which many in certain kiruv institutions seem to feel is an ideal byproduct.

I am not asking that you approve of my mission. I only ask that you understand I am not talking about you, or anyone like you.

This has nothing to do with Charedim like you.