Back to the Future: Newspaper Article From, “If WWII Happened Now…”
The Jewish Telegraphic Agency reports,
Orthodox Union Puts Kosher Certification on Zyklon B
In a shocking development, it has surfaced that the Orthodox Union is putting its rabbinical certification on Zyklon B. This development follows certification on products not historically warranting clerical supervision of any sort, including laundry detergent, water, and aluminum foil. But while much of the liberal and secular Jewish community is up in arms over the strange juxtaposition of placing a rabbinic kashrut certification on a poisonous gas used to kill Jews in large numbers, the Orthodox Union and other religious leaders have defended the move.
Rabbi Willig explained,
“I don’t believe these reports about Zyklon B being used to kill anybody. Someone once insisted on that, but she couldn’t produce two kosher [living] witnesses, so we made her apologize to the nice German chemical company.”
A source close to Rabbi Elyashev claimed the rabbi explained that,
“Perhaps in olden days, one didn’t need a hecksher on Zyklon B, but today, manufacturers cannot be trusted to keep their word. The generations have fallen, even those outside the Jewish community, because the Jewish community itself has fallen.”
Rabbi Elyashev allegedly also expressed concern over levity and immodesty in the concentration camps themselves, and outlawed escaping, as it can lead to mixing with gentiles.
Steve Savitsky, the OU’s president, defended the Orthodox Union’s placement of a hechsher on Zyklon B, explaining that,
“Even if someone is being killed with Zyklon B, it would be truly tragic if the last thing they breathed wasn’t 100% kosher. Now, with our supervision, they can be sure.”
Still, not everyone is convinced that the OU offering its seal of approval is appropriate. Heshy Frechtnen of Williamsburg expressed concern that, “The last thing anyone wants to breath in today’s dark times is more Zionist gas from so-called “Orthodox” Jews. At best, the situation is [not ideal].”
Kornkow’s leading rabbi, the Fahbrentenah Rebbe has called for a stronger hechsher on the gas than the OU, explaining, “When it comes to meat, poison gas, and intimacy issues, it’s good to be machmir [stringent].”
9 comments
im all for satire but thats just as bad as the holocaust cartoon contest in iran
Too far. Bad taste. Satire is a skill and you do not have it.
Tasteless,
BHB - Archskeptic
zOMG lolz! Oh no you dih-int! Oh no you dih-int!
David, that is both appallingly offensive and wickedly funny. Shame on you - I think.
geez, you’re going to make people think the holocaust didn’t happen.
how about chasidim complain about being forcibly gassed with ou hechsher, demand crc?
Mohammed,
Nice! But my readers would probably think CRC stands for the Chicago based rabbinic authority, not the lunatic haredi group you mean.
this is quite tasteless, as well as offensive.
actually, when speaking of poison gases and such, crc brings up a different meaning. for those of us in the scientific publishing arena, we associate crc with the following:
“The CRC Press was originally founded as the Chemical Rubber Company (CRC), which supplied laboratory equipment to chemists. In 1913 the CRC offered a short manual called the Rubber Handbook as an incentive to purchase one of their products. Since then the Rubber Handbook has evolved into the CRC’s flagship book, the CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics. In 1973, in light of the success of its publishing ventures, the company changed its name to CRC Press, LLC, and exited the manufacturing business.”
many of the authors that we work with use references from the crc, as well as publish by them…
but i don’t know to which crc (lunatic hareidi group?) ur referring. i am not hareidi.
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