Tag Teamed by Degenerate Hipsters
Eli Valley teamed up with the incorrigible Daniel “let’s privatize social security” Koffler this weekend. I guess I can appreciate that these two sissies don’t feel safe taking me on singlehandedly and I do recognize that it probably is more of a fair fight if it is both of them against me at once rather than one at a time. Still, I have to say that Valley’s accusations were bizarre.
Kelsey, what’s amazing — and, to be honest, somewhat worrisome, and, if people were actually listening here, tragic — about your monomaniacal obsession with mass transit is your perplexing inability to connect the dots. I’m gonna write this as clearly as I can, so clearly that even an overeager hipster with his nose stuck in his “Common Yiddish Phrases” Dictionary (bought used, of course, at The Strand, for 59 cents, after a long ride on the 1 Train from the Upper West Side) can understand:[...]
You are working for the Saudi Royal Family. This is actually a more logical explanation than #1, as I don’t think you’re dumb, just sometimes an imbecile, and that’s okay, it’s part of what gives you your “charm,” the same way, for instance, that a small child, after wetting his or her pants, will have that reddish flush on their face betraying confusion, embarrassment, and a barely discernible trace of rage. That’s you, and that’s why you blog, and again, that’s okay.
I’m just saying there has to be some logical explanation for why, over and over again, you exhort us to public transit while lashing out at people — myself in the past, Koffler here — for mentioning that the influence of money in our politics is one of the reasons we’re so screwed up. And it’s why there will never be the kind of mass transit in this country you keep getting your throat so sore over.
So here’s a question for you to answer, hopefully with greater alacrity than the Clintons disclosing what oil-drenched hands have been dropping millions into their bank accounts:
Are you working for the Saudi Royal Family?
Because I know you can’t be making enough at your own “Jewish” “hipster” magazine.
So just tell us — in round terms, I’m not looking for a full IRS filing here — how much are they paying you for these constant defenses? $350,000 a quarter? Is it just the Saudis, or the UAE too? Dubai? And do they pay you extra for the posts where you stand on your tricycle shouting about mass transit, knowing full well it’s a red herring given our addiction to oil reinforced by their infusion of cash throughout our political system?
Do they buy you bagels and rugelach too? They’re nothing if not shrewd, and I know they’d want you to continue feeling like an LES Jewish hipster even while shilling for Big Oil.
Look inside your heart and give us the honest figure, Kelsey. I’ll give you till tomorrow night to sort through your stubs, invoices, receipts and knishes.
7 comments
You’ve got some weird friends…
Still licking your wounds?
I knew you were triple-dosing on your med(s) after that beating on Jewcy, but I had no idea you’d shirk to The Kvetcher, where you could truncate my original comment by half and enlist tag team partners.
Do you feel that much safer here? Isn’t it easier just to talk this out with your doctor? Jewlicious gives you health benefits, right?
The only reason we won’t have decent mass transit is because we waited too long to do it. Now it can’t be done with the resources we have available. Not having workable mass transit, however, won’t stop gasoline from ending up at $10 a gallon in a couple of years. There won’t be adequate mass transit, but you won’t be driving your car, either. Gasoline will be rationed at that point (or probably before, since government will step in and halt private usage just as soon as gas and diesel gets too expensive for government revenue to cover) and permitted only for long haul food service, police, military, fire and ambulance, etc. Ordinary citizens chance of being able to afford a gasoline use permit will be pretty much zero.
What’s so bad about using Yiddish words? Afterall the position of ‘already’ at the end of a sentence is something American English adopted from Yiddish as well among other things.
cf. http://www.amazon.com/Cambridg.....amp;sr=8-9
Sarah/froylein,
Eli and Koffler don’t like street Yiddish. You know why? Because they are self-hating hipsters.
There’s this film ‘Train of Life’; a comedy about a shtetl community that tries to deport itself to flee the death camps. A few of the community members will have to play the roles of Nazi soldiers and officers, so they receive language training by Swiss author Israel Schmecht, an ‘assimilated’ relative of the rabbi’s wife. Mordechai, a comparatively well-off and goy-knowledgeable businessman, has been chosen to be the commander of the train. There’s a scene in which Israel and Mordechai practise the pronunciation of “Mein Führer”, which goes [my translation from Yiddish / German into English]:
Mordechai: Oyoyoy, I don’t believe it. Why is it so difficult? I understand everything.
Israel: Yiddish is very similar to German. German is a serious language, sad and precise. Yiddish is a parody of German. So, if you want to speak German without the slightest trace of a Yiddish accent, leave out the humour.
Mordechai: Do the Germans know that we parody their language? Maybe that’s the reason for the war.
While taking the bus to work this morning, eyes tearing from the combined aromas of alcohol and various organic compounds best not to list individually, I figured that someone should be paying me to endure this living hell on a daily basis. Does anyone have an address for that Saudi Royal Family?
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