Category — Humor

There is a young woman whose pride may have been a wee bit hurt by something I wrote. I say this tentatively, because she just posted about it a mere 6 months later.

Halfsours is (still) interested in my post on Persian badass, President Ahmadinejad.

Well, she is specifically interested about the section of that post on Persian women. Or rather, the hairiness of Persian women.

Halfsours writes in “Doing Ahmedinejad a Solid,”

That shouldn’t deter Kelsey from dating an American-Persian. Most of us deal with our hair with ingenuity; we outsource.

We, as a community, have had an implemented a practice since the days of Queen Esther. Backed with all the resources of King Achasveroush’s kingdom, emissaries scoured the Korean countryside. His men traversed perilous mountain peak after mountain peak. Their mission, and that of their successors, has been to find the most aggressive Korean woman of that generation. The Midrash excludes this little piece of our history, but indigenous Asian folkloric record supports my recounting.

Generations of such women have been plucked from their villages. They were never permitted to marry. Like nuns they are completely wed to their spiritual calling; purging us Persian JAPS of the unsightly. Their story has never been shared in any means other than whispers East or West of those Asian mountaintops. They are never seen outside of their meager accommodations in the backrooms of waxing salons in Great Neck and LA. Thus, fear not David Kelsey. Thanks to the painstaking efforts of these fierce, Yellow, women the result is a product of woman that is Korean tested, Ashkenazi approved!

If Halfsours or any of the ladies out there are (still) upset about something I wrote (even six months ago, even more), and especially if it makes you feel unattractive in any way, please feel free to drop me a line, and we can go out for drinks and talk about it. I am sure you misunderstood me. But I think we should talk about this in person. And ck, stop telling chicks not to hit on me. Dick.

In response to the Talumidic claim that nail clippings can induce miscarriages, C-Girl noted that,

“Nail clippings were very powerful in the days of the Talmud. They have lost their potency since then…”

It has come to my attention that not all my readers recognized C-Girl’s acid sarcasm for what it was.

To clarify, one of the most asinine ways haredim attempt to defend the long-outdated science and nonsensical kaballah voodoo of the Talmud is to claim “the world has changed.�

This is, of course, quite risible, and when haredim make this claim, you should make fun of them publicly. Find out which masechta they are quoting and what page, rip that page out, and make the haredi eat it in front of his seventeen children. Then make his entire congregation wear an ill-fitting, awkward hat as a punishment, and march them all down the street in it. Within two weeks, they will declare this haredi-hat a minhag, and wear it all the time with pride. Don’t let that frustrate you. We will find a more atrocious hat to make them wear next time they say “the world has changed…� –- and surely they won’t embrace even that hat! Anyway, we’ll think of something. The point is, we have to employ collective punishment as a way to expose the haredi rejection of scientific method to the world.

Haredism: The more you know, the less you like Judaism generally.

What would you demand for forgiveness?

Seven Fat Cow negotiates…

Hashgacha Pratis is when Divine Providence makes something occur, often at just the right time. I have discussed my own experience with Hashgacha Pratis myself, but would like to share a story with you about a friend of mine.

An Orthodox woman took to the road. She went to a place where I think most of us would like to go, when we are searching…searching for a lost part of ourselves, or searching for something more. Something that will take us to the next medreiga (higher spiritual level).

She went to Graceland.

And. It just happened to be (or was it hashgacha pratis?!?) Elvis’s birthday!!!

Zeek has four different stories in this month’s issue on the “Indy” minyans. I guess it must be the Jewschool issue or something.

Last minute shopping for…um…the general…Chanukah…season? Here’s some suggestions, courtesy of Heeb Magazine and Myspace.com.

Rabbi Jill Jacobs writes on Jspot,

In general, I tend to like Joseph. After all, he’s our best biblical example of a Jew who takes a leadership position in the non-Jewish world and remains out as a Jew while caring for the world around him.

I don’t agree that he was really “out as a Jew.� After all, even his own brothers didn’t seem to fully understand he was Jewish. Rather, Joseph worked, he dressed like an Egyptian and spoke the language fluently and flawlessly, he was integrated (and high-ranking) in Egyptian society, but he remained a committed Jew.

He was, essentially, Modern Orthodox.

This can be seen as well in his rebuke, “I am Joseph, is my father still alive?�

Joseph’s concern includes the question, “Is the Normative Judaism of my father still alive in you, or were you consumed by the intolerant haredi fundamentalism that drove you to sell me into slavery and to almost kill me?”

Good Shabbos!

I was in a bar one night on Eli Valley’s birthday, and was taken aback at the man’s caustic and sardonic quips. So I asked him, “Are you a Litvak?� And he asked, “Me, or my ancestors?� And I said, “Both.� He said, “Yes to both.� Anyway, I have been pretty impressed by Eli’s disturbed comics, in part because I have loved alternative comics since I was a teenager, and because Eli is so talented. And now, thanks to Eli, I have co-authored one of my own, published five minutes ago on Jewcy.

Happy Chanukah!

This is a Tom Lehrer song about Chanukah. And about how East St. Louis (a notoriously black city) clearly wasn’t for him. You could make not so veiled jokes like that, even in the most polite of company, only a couple of decades ago. The full orchestral version of “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park” remains my favorite Tom Lehrer song, though. I think that’ a pretty Jewish song in its own right. Only Christian peasants feed these flying rats. Jews think its nuts. chanukahtomlehrer.mp3

Would you believe me if I told you that Yonah Schimmel’s received a higher rating in service than it did for quality of the food?

Well, would you believe that the knishery’s customer service was rated as high as the quality?

Okay…would you believe me if I told you that Yonah Schimmel’s customer service was given a rating (one point) over half of the quality?