Category — Satire

Purim is coming, and Eli Valley does not disappoint.

Haredi Group Apprehended

In a breakthrough that has the Jewish world in shock, an ultra-Orthodox cloak and dagger team were apprehended by Mossad agents this morning in B’nai Brak for stealing the “Work Makes Freedom” sign from Auschwitz.

The group has ties to Rabbi Elyashiv, the leader of the “Bnei Torah” haredim.

The spokesman for the team, Pinchas Gumbleblatt, is originally from Monsey, NY. He explained the group’s motives to the press.

“We don’t like that so many Yiddishe people go to Aushwitz and see this hateful message. This message that Jews must work. This is counter to the message of the Gedoylim. Maybe it is right for a certain person for shalom bayis, but that is on a case by case basis. The idea that all Jews should work is anti-Toyrah.”

I don’t mean to chew your ear off about this stuff, but as you know, I used to be angry at the ADL for smearing my friend, Brenda Walker. But the truth is, the ADL has a point. Ms. Walker does have an incorrigible habit of relaying outrageous events in our increasingly diverse western world. And so, I am offended.

Though not as offended as this guy.

Danish police said on Thursday that a Palestinian father had hit a primary school teacher and bitten his ear after he had shaken the hand of the man’s daughter.

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Did you know that the Chazon Ish could have cured cancer? Oh, yes. Yes he could have. Cross Currents has this absolutely true story. And did you know that, “the Chazon Ish was head and shoulders above Einstein?” He sure was! And so, in fact, are most of the Gedolim. That’s why the Chazon Ish spent his energy figuring out how much more matzoh we have to swallow on Pesach night to sufficiently fulfill the commandment than did previous generations.

Being that the Chason Ish declined to cure cancer even though he so easily could have obviously done so in the 1950s is serious stuff, and Cross Currents explains with an appropriate parallel.

If Rav Soloveitchik zt”l had beaten Wilt Chamberlain in a one-on-one match, would you really consider that a kiddush Hashem?

Pshhh…I hadn’t considered this question before in that way. This is an excellent point. You’re right. I had thought it would be…longed for it to happen, even…but alas, it would “simply might not make the grade for kiddush Hashem.”

Rav Hutner zt”l makes an interesting observation. If one saw Sir Isaac Newton or Copernicus or Stephen Hawkings on the street, one would be obligated to make the berachah of shenasan michachmaso l‘basar vedam – He gave of His wisdom to flesh and blood.. However, if one saw Einstein, one would not recite a berachah. Why? Was Einstein any less brilliant than the other three? The answer is that one only recites a berachah on a Jew when he is outstandingly learned in Torah. When he has devoted his efforts to another field, he has not reached the pinnacle that would obligate us to see him as being the recipient of God‘s wisdom, for he – unlike the non-Jew – could have made himself the receptacle for even greater wisdom, Torah

Rabosai…when you see an example of Jewish genius in the secular world, remember…he should be learning Torah. He is not applying himself properly. Not that he is as smart as any of the gedoylim, of course, but still…

Orthodox Judaism is kind of like drugs. A little recreational use of the mild stuff on rare occasion can be helpful to some people, though it is certainly not necessary. But extensive and heavy use threatens to destroy your mind and reasoning abilities. Just look at the poor bastards on Cross Currents. And “just say no.”

…clearly had a bad Hebrew School experience. Andrew Winkler, supposedly a Jew, is off the wall with self-Judenhass.

What happened?

Do you think he:

A) Went to Solomon Schechter as a teen
B) Had a right-wing Baal Teshuvah experience as a young person (I have heard rumors that such an experience can supposedly backfire)
C) Grew up working class in a town the likes of Potomac, MD or Scarsdale, NY
D) Was a member of JDATE and listed his profession as “blogger”

Hat tip: Robert Lindsay

Update: Winkler is not Jewish, but apparently, is of German descent, and is quite bitter at the way the Jews treated Germany during WWII, installing the Zionist puppet Hitler and all that (I kid you not — Winkler’s out there, alright). Big thanks to Robert Lindsay for the clarification. I for one, will be sleeping more soundly tonight. After that 1/4 Jew Al Qaeda nudnik, I thought the whole community was falling apart. Thanks for your offer of Winkler’s email address, but I think I’ll pass. But Robert, you should email me if you ever come to the Big Bagel. It’s time for a glass of wine (like me, Robert prefers wine to beer). I may not be as…creative…as Herr Winkler, but darn it, I am more lucid.

An immigrant from Sudan intentionally plowed his car into some kids in Utah. The good news: no kids died. The bad news: institutional racism and anti-immigrant xenophobia apparently surfaced at the hospital, which for reasons beyond my fathom, treated the teens hit before the immigrant African-assailant!

When he arrived, he was put in the room next to Kang. His mother said while she was at the hospital, she almost accidently walked into Kang’s room. When she reached his door, she saw him inside the room complaining to nurses that he was hurt too and not getting as much attention as the hurt children, she said.

“I wanted to punch him,” Rina Perez said. “That angered me like you wouldn’t believe.”

When Kang was interviewed later by detectives, the only explanation he had for the accident was that he was despondent.

Kang should sue those bastards!

Sudan and Somalia have got to be my personal two *favorite* countries to bring over millions of unskilled immigrants. What an embarrassment of riches! These places are ripe for stunning success in the west.
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Patrick Cleburne noted,

Needless to say, this story has not made it into the national media and none of the local headlines refer to Kang’s immigrant status.

Well, Patrick, there’s no reason to get into that sort of thing. The guy is already despondent, even before he mowed those kids down and put himself into the hospital. Now you want to risk pushing him into a full-blown depression? Have a heart, for crying out loud!

My Proposal for a Racial Hate Crimes Utopia

Nat Hentoff lashes out at the press over its strange silence on the hate crimes law.

Why is the press remaining mostly silent about the so-called “hate crimes law” that passed in the House on April 29?

Hentoff has many complaints about this new law moving its way through the senate. One of them is concern over how the existing hate crimes laws are being implemented. Social liberals will be shocked (shocked!) to hear that these laws are not being implemented consistently when our melanin-challenged countrymen are the victims.

The extra punishment applies only to these “protected classes.” As Denver criminal defense lawyer Robert J Corry Jr. asked (Denver Post April 28): “Isn’t every criminal act that harms another person a ‘hate crime’? Then, regarding a Colorado “hate crime” law, one of 45 such state laws, Corry wrote: “When a Colorado gang engaged in an initiation ritual of specifically seeking out a “white woman” to rape, the Boulder prosecutor declined to pursue ‘hate crime’ charges.” She was not enough of one of its protected classes.

So…I have a solution. Why not just stop with the semantics and subterfuge, and make it simpler? Let’s just pass a law that flatly states that any time a violent crime is committed, if the assailant enjoys a significantly less “minority” protected status than his victim, he is given an additional 2/3rd’s time to his prison sentence, provided we can be reasonably sure that he was aware that the victim was a member of a protected class. But if the assailant is of a protected class, he just receives the regular sentence, even if it were inspired by hatred, since as we know, that’s really Whitey’s fault anyway.

This will also help even the odds at least a little in terms of underrepresented majorities in our prisons, as the whites who are convicted of crimes will be there longer. But it will avoid placing whites in prison unless they have committed a crime that warrants a jail sentence in and of itself.

Now I realize that many people may feel that an additional 2/3rd’s time for a straight white assailant is still not enough of a sentence discrepancy than for a criminal of color, but we should perhaps consider that white men are raped at a much, much higher rate than black or Hispanic prisoners (it is an unfortunate but tolerable form of protest against white male hegemony), so there is that extra penalty there as well, and why a full doubling of the sentence may be inappropriate.

I try to be fair like that.

Our heimeshe friends at Beyond BT are showing their true color (black). They are fundraising for the ultra-Orthodox Agudath Israel.

They’re trying to raise $360, which considering that the administrators are themselves putting in a $100 each, is a modest goal. Perhaps they don’t want to risk failure…perhaps they want to appear astounded and surprised at the support coming for the Agudah “from the Beyond BT community.”

Beyond BT writes,

Most of us respect the gedolim as the leaders of the entire Jewish people, but many of our non-observant friends and relatives and perhaps some BTs themselves don’t feel the love and the concern that the gedolim undoubtedly have.

It’s a love letter to the Agudah.

Or is it?

Beyond BT uses this “fundraiser” to publicly challenge the Agudah’s position on the Internet.

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Some of the kushera neshamas have their prayer shawls in a bunch over Eli Valley’s new comic, and I had some fun at their expense. Some of their nasty and apparently offensive comments were subsequently deleted (mine were not — because DK knows how to behave when he is at zeideh’s tisch!), but suffice to say, some people don’t like it very much when others attempt to challenge community. They think it’s a “shandeh for the goyim.”

For them, I recommend the St. Louis Jewish Light newspaper. Even by dreadful “community” (i.e., Federation control) newspaper standards, this paper is awful. And since I am not writing on the Forward, I hope you will pardon my Heimish when I tell you that this “article” on Big Aish is a metzizeh b’peh.

Jewish Light reports,

Rabbi Elazar Grunberger, Aish HaTorah St. Louis’ founding director, is passing on the torch of leadership after 24 years to Rabbi Yosef David.

What? You want to know why? Like, why really?

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New America Media has published a rant by Raynard Jackson deriding black Republicans. Leaving aside the absurd idea that there should not be any black Republicans, I have to wonder…exactly how are the bulk of black Americans “New Americans”?

Why not rename this fine organization, “Old and New Ethnically Oppressed Whiny American Media”?

And we Jews can be a part of this!. Because no one continues to be shut out of American media quite like the Jews. We have so very much to gripe about for our sore lack of representation in this field. But finally, thanks to New American Media, we too have a voice.

Will it happen in our lifetime? Will we finally reach the proportionate 2% representation we have for so long been denied?

I doubt it. But we can still hope, can’t we?